Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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