I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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