Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
