Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
