Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
