I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
