Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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