Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
