I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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