I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
