things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
