He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's just like the Real World with babies
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
