When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
