You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
