remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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