I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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