he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
