i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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