i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So much rum. So many feels.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
