I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
