went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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