mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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