Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
