Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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