Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
