If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
