He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
