i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm determined to sit on that face.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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