she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
