I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
