3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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