If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
