I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
operation harelip BJ is a go
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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