I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
