I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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