you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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