I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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