at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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