Welp...herpes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
