I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
