I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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