The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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