Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
