That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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