a search helicopter?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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