im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
