I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
