we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
