just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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