Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
