the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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